Drawing to a Close

This will be the last post where I write.

Well, I say that at least. I am so unsure of most things these days that it is possible I will write again before it is all said and done. The only thing I am sure of is that I need a haircut and I haven't even fully convinced myself of that.

Since this is the last writing update I suppose I should attempt to cover months of changing emotions, growth, weakness, shaping, and learning. What a task.

I have made it a priority to write in a journal while being here and as I fumbled through the pages earlier today I was encouraged to see all that had poured out of me and onto the pages. From the beginning there was a hopeful outlook that was mystified by a new world and new experiences. My first pages were full of a culture of kindness and honor, of family and respect. Skip ahead and there is weakness and desperation. Desperation to find Jesus and make this trip mean something. Push forward through the pages and slowly, ever so slowly, there is hope. There is a realization that this trip has shaken all I know to be true about myself. From that realization, there is some understanding beginning to form. And as I looked at my more recent pages I began to see a little more that there is some growth even if it hides from me in the moment.

In order to not be redundant and simply repeat what I have said in my last entries, I want to share what I will be coming home with. Surely I have learned so much from living in the most Muslim populated country in the world, right? Surely now I am some rock solid dude who has it all together?  Someone who can meet with you and impart my plethora of knowledge?

The truth is, none of that is true. I most certainly don't have it all together, I don't know that much about Muslims, and while I can certainly meet and talk about this trip, I don't have any hidden secrets. This may be confusing to a great deal of people...

I will be honest, this has terrified me. I know that when I get home there will be many questions about my trip and people who want to know about something awesome I saw or did. How many were saved? What is it like living with Muslims? Did you see anything crazy?

What will I say to my supporters who have graciously given to me financially and sowed into my time with prayer? How do I explain that, no, actually I didn't see anyone saved? What I know about Muslims now isn't all THAT different than what I knew before I left and if you count seeing a family of five on a scooter as crazy, then yeah man let me tell you about it...

I am not saying that I don't want to have these conversations and I am definitely not saying this trip was a waste, in fact, quite the opposite. I want to share what I learned. I am just afraid it will surprise you or be different than what you are expecting to hear from me.

That has been the beauty of this trip. It has been full of the mysterious unexpected. The ways I learned, the understanding of missions, the culture, the new light in which I saw myself. It was all different. It all came in ways that I literally could not prepare for. This trip has changed my life. Of that there is no doubt.

As for my fear of not having any stories to blow your mind or seeing any new brothers or sisters come to Jesus, I must thank my dear ole pastor Ernie who told me, 'You have to be okay if someone came up to you and told you they regretted giving money to you. You have to be so confident in the fact that you were obedient that something like that won't even faze you.'

It was profound to me and it gave me a new perspective. I did not come here to return with neat stories. I didn't come here to simply pad stats for interesting things I've done in my life. I didn't even come here with the notion that I would change this nation.

I came here because the Lord told me to come here.

I have never been more confident about anything in all my life. The Lord called me to this country for this time in my life. Even though it was a short trip and even though it is hard for me to see the full purpose of it all. I came to be obedient to Him.

I could tell you that I came here with no expectations or hopeful promises whispering through my head. I could say that I was completely humble in coming here and that I simply did it to be obedient. I could say that, but it would be a lie. I had expectations. I daydream about everything in the world and that didn't all the sudden stop when I thought about Indonesia. Sure, maybe I pictured James and I coasting up a river surrounded by jungle whilst battling through giant snakes and indigenous warriors along the coast tossing bamboo spears at our vessel as we went forward ever so valiantly to proclaim the Gospel and see people saved! Going to Indonesia, even if I didn't want it to happen, became an identity.

And then I got here. For a few months it was all fine and dandy. James was here and I could lean on him when I was worn down if it ever came to that. I had someone to share in all this with. I had someone with me who knew my story, who knew my thoughts on the Lord, who knew me. And then he left and I broke. That's dramatic, but it's true. I came to the realization that I was nobody.

I was just some white boy who came to a new world to...to...to do what? In my mind, I was here to learn. I was here to love Jesus more. I was here to understand missions. But to my Indonesian friends around me, I was just here. No one knew my story. They didn't know how the Lord spoke to me through dreams about this place, they didn't know my 'Christian Cred' or anything of the sort.

I was completely, 100%, shaken. Everything I knew about myself and even what others knew about me had gone out the window. You see, here I don't have any built up lie about who I am. I'm not confused about my walk with the Lord. All of that is very clear to me. I am weak and in need of His grace daily. I have never felt so wretched and broken in all my life. I have never felt so unworthy of His love and mercies and I have never felt so shaken in all my life. At first, I was confused by this. I saw this as something terrible that was happening. Something that shouldn't be happening. Something I needed to fix.

In the middle of all this I e-mailed my friend who is a missionary herself and has been for several years, Tammy. I unloaded and told her I couldn't understand any of it. I was broken. I was weak. I was confused.

Her reply rocked me. It rocked me because someone else actually understood what was happening. Someone could relate. She told me she had the same experience when she first started out. That everything she knew about herself before, all that others knew, was stripped. She had no more identity. It was just her and she was broken. She told me to embrace this season. To let the Lord work through me and rebuild me.

I read these words and almost did a backflip out of my chair. I was overjoyed to share in this with someone else. From her e-mail, I was able to understand what was happening. I was able to see the work the Lord was doing in my life instead of seeing me incredibly weak and unworthy.

I understood that I was being stripped of everything. My identity, whatever I had built up about myself, intentionally or not, was going away. I was face to face with the sin in my life. I had to confront it because, well, there is nothing here to distract me from doing so. That is something I have been aware of recently. There are no distractions where I can silence my spirit and turn my eyes from the battle that is going on inside me. I have nowhere to run from this. It's an all out fight and slowly, it's changing my life.

Tammy told me, 'It's cool to say your identity is found in Christ, but seldom is it true of any of us, and it wasn't true of me.'

Those were powerful words and upon reading them I understood that it was true of me. While I had said my identity was found in Christ countless times before, the truth was, I ran to a million other things before I ran to Him. If something was wrong, I tried to fix it. I was the owner of all that I do. I was the captain of my ship that was bound for failure.

The most beautiful thing of all is that throughout all of this, while I was at my weakest, the Lord never relented His goodness. He never stopped presenting me with opportunities. He never shook His head at me. Throughout this time I could feel His grace more than I have ever been able to in my life.

In the bitter hours of the night, while I felt weakest, the Lord was with me. He has not relented in making sure I understand that this wasn't a mistake. I am here for a reason. I am here because He told me to come here. That understanding has begun to take a tangible form recently...

I have started a Bible study on the book of John with two young guys here. They are little brothers to me and I can't explain how much it means to me to be able to study the Word with them. It has been a powerful experience. We read in different languages and discuss what the text is saying back and forth sometimes in English, sometimes in Indonesian. The barrier in the language has led to the Gospel being simplified. We read a verse and squeeze out as best we can what is impactful. It has been one of the greatest experiences here.

I would confidently say that if this were the only thing of spiritual/missional value that comes from this trip, then it was worth it. I believe fully that these two young men are capable of being wave makers in a nation of splashers. I know that the Lord has prepared this and I am grateful to know them. I am grateful to explore the Word with them. I am grateful for all of it.

This season in my life has been full of adventure and difficulties and I have felt pushed more than I ever have. I have felt weak and broken, stripped and helpless on a whole new scale. I am thankful for the people who have spoke into my life in this season. This season, which at first seemed so dark and mysterious, has turned to something that is shaping me. It is stripping me of all my old self and I am being formed by Jesus Himself. I am learning that it is more important to simply be obedient than to have everything figured out.

When I come home, I want to be able to say confidently that my identity is found in Christ. I would ask that you pray for me as I search out what that looks practically. That I would continue to see the Lord's grace and His hand in this all.

My time is drawing to a close, but it is not over yet.