Monday, June 24, 2013
Monday, May 27, 2013
Drawing to a Close
This will be the last post where I write.
Well, I say that at least. I am so unsure of most things these days that it is possible I will write again before it is all said and done. The only thing I am sure of is that I need a haircut and I haven't even fully convinced myself of that.
Since this is the last writing update I suppose I should attempt to cover months of changing emotions, growth, weakness, shaping, and learning. What a task.
I have made it a priority to write in a journal while being here and as I fumbled through the pages earlier today I was encouraged to see all that had poured out of me and onto the pages. From the beginning there was a hopeful outlook that was mystified by a new world and new experiences. My first pages were full of a culture of kindness and honor, of family and respect. Skip ahead and there is weakness and desperation. Desperation to find Jesus and make this trip mean something. Push forward through the pages and slowly, ever so slowly, there is hope. There is a realization that this trip has shaken all I know to be true about myself. From that realization, there is some understanding beginning to form. And as I looked at my more recent pages I began to see a little more that there is some growth even if it hides from me in the moment.
In order to not be redundant and simply repeat what I have said in my last entries, I want to share what I will be coming home with. Surely I have learned so much from living in the most Muslim populated country in the world, right? Surely now I am some rock solid dude who has it all together? Someone who can meet with you and impart my plethora of knowledge?
The truth is, none of that is true. I most certainly don't have it all together, I don't know that much about Muslims, and while I can certainly meet and talk about this trip, I don't have any hidden secrets. This may be confusing to a great deal of people...
I will be honest, this has terrified me. I know that when I get home there will be many questions about my trip and people who want to know about something awesome I saw or did. How many were saved? What is it like living with Muslims? Did you see anything crazy?
What will I say to my supporters who have graciously given to me financially and sowed into my time with prayer? How do I explain that, no, actually I didn't see anyone saved? What I know about Muslims now isn't all THAT different than what I knew before I left and if you count seeing a family of five on a scooter as crazy, then yeah man let me tell you about it...
I am not saying that I don't want to have these conversations and I am definitely not saying this trip was a waste, in fact, quite the opposite. I want to share what I learned. I am just afraid it will surprise you or be different than what you are expecting to hear from me.
That has been the beauty of this trip. It has been full of the mysterious unexpected. The ways I learned, the understanding of missions, the culture, the new light in which I saw myself. It was all different. It all came in ways that I literally could not prepare for. This trip has changed my life. Of that there is no doubt.
As for my fear of not having any stories to blow your mind or seeing any new brothers or sisters come to Jesus, I must thank my dear ole pastor Ernie who told me, 'You have to be okay if someone came up to you and told you they regretted giving money to you. You have to be so confident in the fact that you were obedient that something like that won't even faze you.'
It was profound to me and it gave me a new perspective. I did not come here to return with neat stories. I didn't come here to simply pad stats for interesting things I've done in my life. I didn't even come here with the notion that I would change this nation.
I came here because the Lord told me to come here.
I have never been more confident about anything in all my life. The Lord called me to this country for this time in my life. Even though it was a short trip and even though it is hard for me to see the full purpose of it all. I came to be obedient to Him.
I could tell you that I came here with no expectations or hopeful promises whispering through my head. I could say that I was completely humble in coming here and that I simply did it to be obedient. I could say that, but it would be a lie. I had expectations. I daydream about everything in the world and that didn't all the sudden stop when I thought about Indonesia. Sure, maybe I pictured James and I coasting up a river surrounded by jungle whilst battling through giant snakes and indigenous warriors along the coast tossing bamboo spears at our vessel as we went forward ever so valiantly to proclaim the Gospel and see people saved! Going to Indonesia, even if I didn't want it to happen, became an identity.
And then I got here. For a few months it was all fine and dandy. James was here and I could lean on him when I was worn down if it ever came to that. I had someone to share in all this with. I had someone with me who knew my story, who knew my thoughts on the Lord, who knew me. And then he left and I broke. That's dramatic, but it's true. I came to the realization that I was nobody.
I was just some white boy who came to a new world to...to...to do what? In my mind, I was here to learn. I was here to love Jesus more. I was here to understand missions. But to my Indonesian friends around me, I was just here. No one knew my story. They didn't know how the Lord spoke to me through dreams about this place, they didn't know my 'Christian Cred' or anything of the sort.
I was completely, 100%, shaken. Everything I knew about myself and even what others knew about me had gone out the window. You see, here I don't have any built up lie about who I am. I'm not confused about my walk with the Lord. All of that is very clear to me. I am weak and in need of His grace daily. I have never felt so wretched and broken in all my life. I have never felt so unworthy of His love and mercies and I have never felt so shaken in all my life. At first, I was confused by this. I saw this as something terrible that was happening. Something that shouldn't be happening. Something I needed to fix.
In the middle of all this I e-mailed my friend who is a missionary herself and has been for several years, Tammy. I unloaded and told her I couldn't understand any of it. I was broken. I was weak. I was confused.
Her reply rocked me. It rocked me because someone else actually understood what was happening. Someone could relate. She told me she had the same experience when she first started out. That everything she knew about herself before, all that others knew, was stripped. She had no more identity. It was just her and she was broken. She told me to embrace this season. To let the Lord work through me and rebuild me.
I read these words and almost did a backflip out of my chair. I was overjoyed to share in this with someone else. From her e-mail, I was able to understand what was happening. I was able to see the work the Lord was doing in my life instead of seeing me incredibly weak and unworthy.
I understood that I was being stripped of everything. My identity, whatever I had built up about myself, intentionally or not, was going away. I was face to face with the sin in my life. I had to confront it because, well, there is nothing here to distract me from doing so. That is something I have been aware of recently. There are no distractions where I can silence my spirit and turn my eyes from the battle that is going on inside me. I have nowhere to run from this. It's an all out fight and slowly, it's changing my life.
Tammy told me, 'It's cool to say your identity is found in Christ, but seldom is it true of any of us, and it wasn't true of me.'
Those were powerful words and upon reading them I understood that it was true of me. While I had said my identity was found in Christ countless times before, the truth was, I ran to a million other things before I ran to Him. If something was wrong, I tried to fix it. I was the owner of all that I do. I was the captain of my ship that was bound for failure.
The most beautiful thing of all is that throughout all of this, while I was at my weakest, the Lord never relented His goodness. He never stopped presenting me with opportunities. He never shook His head at me. Throughout this time I could feel His grace more than I have ever been able to in my life.
In the bitter hours of the night, while I felt weakest, the Lord was with me. He has not relented in making sure I understand that this wasn't a mistake. I am here for a reason. I am here because He told me to come here. That understanding has begun to take a tangible form recently...
I have started a Bible study on the book of John with two young guys here. They are little brothers to me and I can't explain how much it means to me to be able to study the Word with them. It has been a powerful experience. We read in different languages and discuss what the text is saying back and forth sometimes in English, sometimes in Indonesian. The barrier in the language has led to the Gospel being simplified. We read a verse and squeeze out as best we can what is impactful. It has been one of the greatest experiences here.
I would confidently say that if this were the only thing of spiritual/missional value that comes from this trip, then it was worth it. I believe fully that these two young men are capable of being wave makers in a nation of splashers. I know that the Lord has prepared this and I am grateful to know them. I am grateful to explore the Word with them. I am grateful for all of it.
This season in my life has been full of adventure and difficulties and I have felt pushed more than I ever have. I have felt weak and broken, stripped and helpless on a whole new scale. I am thankful for the people who have spoke into my life in this season. This season, which at first seemed so dark and mysterious, has turned to something that is shaping me. It is stripping me of all my old self and I am being formed by Jesus Himself. I am learning that it is more important to simply be obedient than to have everything figured out.
When I come home, I want to be able to say confidently that my identity is found in Christ. I would ask that you pray for me as I search out what that looks practically. That I would continue to see the Lord's grace and His hand in this all.
My time is drawing to a close, but it is not over yet.
Well, I say that at least. I am so unsure of most things these days that it is possible I will write again before it is all said and done. The only thing I am sure of is that I need a haircut and I haven't even fully convinced myself of that.
Since this is the last writing update I suppose I should attempt to cover months of changing emotions, growth, weakness, shaping, and learning. What a task.
I have made it a priority to write in a journal while being here and as I fumbled through the pages earlier today I was encouraged to see all that had poured out of me and onto the pages. From the beginning there was a hopeful outlook that was mystified by a new world and new experiences. My first pages were full of a culture of kindness and honor, of family and respect. Skip ahead and there is weakness and desperation. Desperation to find Jesus and make this trip mean something. Push forward through the pages and slowly, ever so slowly, there is hope. There is a realization that this trip has shaken all I know to be true about myself. From that realization, there is some understanding beginning to form. And as I looked at my more recent pages I began to see a little more that there is some growth even if it hides from me in the moment.
In order to not be redundant and simply repeat what I have said in my last entries, I want to share what I will be coming home with. Surely I have learned so much from living in the most Muslim populated country in the world, right? Surely now I am some rock solid dude who has it all together? Someone who can meet with you and impart my plethora of knowledge?
The truth is, none of that is true. I most certainly don't have it all together, I don't know that much about Muslims, and while I can certainly meet and talk about this trip, I don't have any hidden secrets. This may be confusing to a great deal of people...
I will be honest, this has terrified me. I know that when I get home there will be many questions about my trip and people who want to know about something awesome I saw or did. How many were saved? What is it like living with Muslims? Did you see anything crazy?
What will I say to my supporters who have graciously given to me financially and sowed into my time with prayer? How do I explain that, no, actually I didn't see anyone saved? What I know about Muslims now isn't all THAT different than what I knew before I left and if you count seeing a family of five on a scooter as crazy, then yeah man let me tell you about it...
I am not saying that I don't want to have these conversations and I am definitely not saying this trip was a waste, in fact, quite the opposite. I want to share what I learned. I am just afraid it will surprise you or be different than what you are expecting to hear from me.
That has been the beauty of this trip. It has been full of the mysterious unexpected. The ways I learned, the understanding of missions, the culture, the new light in which I saw myself. It was all different. It all came in ways that I literally could not prepare for. This trip has changed my life. Of that there is no doubt.
As for my fear of not having any stories to blow your mind or seeing any new brothers or sisters come to Jesus, I must thank my dear ole pastor Ernie who told me, 'You have to be okay if someone came up to you and told you they regretted giving money to you. You have to be so confident in the fact that you were obedient that something like that won't even faze you.'
It was profound to me and it gave me a new perspective. I did not come here to return with neat stories. I didn't come here to simply pad stats for interesting things I've done in my life. I didn't even come here with the notion that I would change this nation.
I came here because the Lord told me to come here.
I have never been more confident about anything in all my life. The Lord called me to this country for this time in my life. Even though it was a short trip and even though it is hard for me to see the full purpose of it all. I came to be obedient to Him.
I could tell you that I came here with no expectations or hopeful promises whispering through my head. I could say that I was completely humble in coming here and that I simply did it to be obedient. I could say that, but it would be a lie. I had expectations. I daydream about everything in the world and that didn't all the sudden stop when I thought about Indonesia. Sure, maybe I pictured James and I coasting up a river surrounded by jungle whilst battling through giant snakes and indigenous warriors along the coast tossing bamboo spears at our vessel as we went forward ever so valiantly to proclaim the Gospel and see people saved! Going to Indonesia, even if I didn't want it to happen, became an identity.
And then I got here. For a few months it was all fine and dandy. James was here and I could lean on him when I was worn down if it ever came to that. I had someone to share in all this with. I had someone with me who knew my story, who knew my thoughts on the Lord, who knew me. And then he left and I broke. That's dramatic, but it's true. I came to the realization that I was nobody.
I was just some white boy who came to a new world to...to...to do what? In my mind, I was here to learn. I was here to love Jesus more. I was here to understand missions. But to my Indonesian friends around me, I was just here. No one knew my story. They didn't know how the Lord spoke to me through dreams about this place, they didn't know my 'Christian Cred' or anything of the sort.
I was completely, 100%, shaken. Everything I knew about myself and even what others knew about me had gone out the window. You see, here I don't have any built up lie about who I am. I'm not confused about my walk with the Lord. All of that is very clear to me. I am weak and in need of His grace daily. I have never felt so wretched and broken in all my life. I have never felt so unworthy of His love and mercies and I have never felt so shaken in all my life. At first, I was confused by this. I saw this as something terrible that was happening. Something that shouldn't be happening. Something I needed to fix.
In the middle of all this I e-mailed my friend who is a missionary herself and has been for several years, Tammy. I unloaded and told her I couldn't understand any of it. I was broken. I was weak. I was confused.
Her reply rocked me. It rocked me because someone else actually understood what was happening. Someone could relate. She told me she had the same experience when she first started out. That everything she knew about herself before, all that others knew, was stripped. She had no more identity. It was just her and she was broken. She told me to embrace this season. To let the Lord work through me and rebuild me.
I read these words and almost did a backflip out of my chair. I was overjoyed to share in this with someone else. From her e-mail, I was able to understand what was happening. I was able to see the work the Lord was doing in my life instead of seeing me incredibly weak and unworthy.
I understood that I was being stripped of everything. My identity, whatever I had built up about myself, intentionally or not, was going away. I was face to face with the sin in my life. I had to confront it because, well, there is nothing here to distract me from doing so. That is something I have been aware of recently. There are no distractions where I can silence my spirit and turn my eyes from the battle that is going on inside me. I have nowhere to run from this. It's an all out fight and slowly, it's changing my life.
Tammy told me, 'It's cool to say your identity is found in Christ, but seldom is it true of any of us, and it wasn't true of me.'
Those were powerful words and upon reading them I understood that it was true of me. While I had said my identity was found in Christ countless times before, the truth was, I ran to a million other things before I ran to Him. If something was wrong, I tried to fix it. I was the owner of all that I do. I was the captain of my ship that was bound for failure.
The most beautiful thing of all is that throughout all of this, while I was at my weakest, the Lord never relented His goodness. He never stopped presenting me with opportunities. He never shook His head at me. Throughout this time I could feel His grace more than I have ever been able to in my life.
In the bitter hours of the night, while I felt weakest, the Lord was with me. He has not relented in making sure I understand that this wasn't a mistake. I am here for a reason. I am here because He told me to come here. That understanding has begun to take a tangible form recently...
I have started a Bible study on the book of John with two young guys here. They are little brothers to me and I can't explain how much it means to me to be able to study the Word with them. It has been a powerful experience. We read in different languages and discuss what the text is saying back and forth sometimes in English, sometimes in Indonesian. The barrier in the language has led to the Gospel being simplified. We read a verse and squeeze out as best we can what is impactful. It has been one of the greatest experiences here.
I would confidently say that if this were the only thing of spiritual/missional value that comes from this trip, then it was worth it. I believe fully that these two young men are capable of being wave makers in a nation of splashers. I know that the Lord has prepared this and I am grateful to know them. I am grateful to explore the Word with them. I am grateful for all of it.
This season in my life has been full of adventure and difficulties and I have felt pushed more than I ever have. I have felt weak and broken, stripped and helpless on a whole new scale. I am thankful for the people who have spoke into my life in this season. This season, which at first seemed so dark and mysterious, has turned to something that is shaping me. It is stripping me of all my old self and I am being formed by Jesus Himself. I am learning that it is more important to simply be obedient than to have everything figured out.
When I come home, I want to be able to say confidently that my identity is found in Christ. I would ask that you pray for me as I search out what that looks practically. That I would continue to see the Lord's grace and His hand in this all.
My time is drawing to a close, but it is not over yet.
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Sunday, May 12, 2013
This is a Title.
It's Monday, and yes, I know, I just updated a few days ago. But Mondate Upday is named that for a reason and if I don't stick with it then...well then...I guess it doesn't really matter all too much.
Okay so let's see...
We are gonna start today with some pictures. I have been good about remembering to take pictures since James left and you guys will reap the reward...
This is a meeting to discuss coffee business stuff. More to come on that soon.
Kukuh having some difficulties
The following are from a camp held for 40 some odd schools...
The camp was really fun. The kids were creative and funny and overall I would say it was a huge success.
Ferii and I went to an arcade and just had a good ole time.
A few of us went to Fire Mountain to a church service the other day. Most of these pictures are on Facebook.
Church on Fire Mountain
The view. Pictures can't really capture how amazing it was, but don't say I didn't try.
I had more pictures but the internet has come to a screeching halt and it now takes 10 minutes to upload one picture. No thank you. Sorry guys.
Okay so onto the next thing. Living here has been incredible. I feel like I am a part of this place now. Getting to live in this country for an extended period of time has been one of the greatest experiences of my life. It is the ultimate adventure. I mean, I know now-a-days you can't really go parading off into the wild unknown with a loyal companion carrying some great burden and fighting off hordes of monsters to ultimately save the world (cough LOTR cough), but I would say that doing this is pretty darn close.
Let me break it down for you...
I did in fact go parading off into the wild unknown. I knew little to nothing about this country before I came. It was a mystery to me. A beautiful one at that. And James, well yes, James was Sam. Or I was Sam. It doesn't matter, just trying to stick with the comparison here. It says a lot about someone's character when they can just up and leave their home and job and comforts to go to another country for a few months just cause their friend asked. Now that I think about it, you are Sam. Loyal, dear, precious Sam. But seriously, I am thankful for having someone like James to come and share in this adventure while he could. (Don't get used to that shower of praise, James.)
As for the burden, well, I suppose if I were to get really spiritual I could find an answer for that. But I am feeling a bit more on the light hearted side today and I feel like the answer to that is rather obvious. So onward we go...
The hordes of monsters have taken different forms. They have come in language barriers that hinder me from getting into good conversation with the people here. They have come from somewhere deep within myself as I begin to see all this filth that the Lord is pulling out of me. They have come in the form of cultural differences that can leave you frustrated and confused. But mostly, they have come in the shape of rice. Tiny, awful, sticky little pellets that leave my tastebuds heartbroken and unsatisfied.
Now, I am not about to save the world. However, this trip has most certainly changed my life. I was asked recently what I have learned so far? One thing I have learned...
And for some reason I was stuck on it. One thing? It should be easy right? To pick one thing I have learned out of so many. But I couldn't give an answer and even now it is hard to find just one thing I have learned. And to be honest, I don't think I can give some really awesome answer that will blow your minds.
And that is because mostly what I have learned has been about who I am as a person. I came here with the goal to just learn. To learn a new language, a new culture, and what it really looks like to live in a Muslim country. Those were my intentions. Those were my goals.
And upon arriving here I have done most of those things. I am learning a new language and slowly beginning to understand a new culture. I have been given opportunities that I would only dream of in the states. Opportunities like sitting in the homes of devout Muslims and listening to them talk. Speaking at Muslim universities about what Americans think about Islam and how we can learn from each other. Hearing the call to prayer five times a day and being reminded of where I am. Eating lunch and dinner at local people's side-of-the-road restaurants and building friendships with Muslims through that.
And these things I am thankful for. But I have begun to learn other things as well. I am learning how far I can be pushed. The cultural differences are more than I can begin to explain. And in these differences I am learning patience and understanding. I am learning to not take the reigns all the time and just sit back and follow.
I am learning that it is not okay to just sit back and be lazy with my time. Especially my time as it concerns the Lord. I am not sure if it is the enemy here or what, but I find it INCREDIBLY difficult to spend time with Jesus. And that doesn't even make sense, right? You guys are probably like, uh aren't you on the mission field? Come on man get it together!
I was reading Romans today and came across this: "Do you suppose, O man- you who judge those who practice such things and yet do them yourself- that you will escape the judgement of God? Or do you presume on the riches of his kindness and forbearance and patience, not knowing that God's kindness is meant to lead you to repentance." (2:3-4)
I read that (mainly the latter part of it) and was immediately convicted. How often do I put off time spent with my savior and do a number of other things only to think to myself, well God is full of grace and kindness, He will overlook this one time I skipped out. I skip out and go about my day prancing along like a smiling fool thinking I am fine and dandy. I sin and say that He is overflowing with grace. And day by day I am worn down and tired and finally I wonder why?
His kindness towards us is made for one thing: to make us look back to Him. It's to make us look at His glory and His beauty and see how good He is. His kindness, His grace, His love and forgiveness does not exist to give us a "sin cushion" it exists to point us back to Him and make us flee our sin and run to His arms.
Usually it is difficult for me to do that. The last thing I want to do once I have messed up or neglected time with Jesus is go right to Him and act like nothing is wrong. That's because I know I am in the wrong and to look at Jesus will only make me feel guilty. And so, usually I do the opposite and just put my head down and trudge through more sin. I walk away from Jesus because I don't understand that His kindness towards me is not to make me feel bad, it's to make me repent.
I do not fully understand it. How can I? It is against the way this world operates. When you wrong someone, there is punishment. There are fierce voices and slanted eyebrows and wagging fingers. But when you wrong Jesus, there is kindness. He is there to say it's all right son, He has open arms, and He helps you stand to your feet once more and face the world knowing that all is well. He levels you with kindness so that you can do nothing but repent. Think about that: kindness so intense that it makes you repent? It blows my mind.
And so I conclude this by saying: I still can't put a finger on one thing I am learning here. Honestly things change so much these days. I am always learning something new that alters the way I think about something else. I am constantly being pushed in ways I never have been which opens my eyes to a part of me I have never seen, thus teaching me more about myself. And all of these things ultimately teach me something new about Jesus. And so I would ask you, those who are still my prayer warriors, to continue to pray that I would learn more of who Jesus is. That is the only thing I want these days. Thank you to all who have partnered with me in this. You guys rule.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Monday, April 29, 2013
Mondate Upday Lives On.
It has been a week since James said he'd be leaving on a jet plane, not knowing when he'd be back again. And if you aren't singing right now then shame on you.
Ole buddy has gone home and he is certainly missed here. I am asked daily if I have cried or if I miss James and I am daily told that it's just me here now. And I smile and nod and say, yes. One day, I am just going to burst into tears and really freak out whoever has just asked me if I cried for James yet. I will demand hugs and whatever else comforts people when the end of the world has just happened. Because it would seem, according to the attention this has gotten, that my friends here think James was what kept me alive.
Totally kidding. I would never do that. Ever. But it sure would be hilarious.
So how has it been, really? To be honest, it has just been different. It seems that my remaining time here is a whole other trip. It's a whole new ball game, or for you Aladdin fans, a whole new world.
My days are filled with writing and helping out whenever I can. Once everyone goes home from work I simply hang out with my friends who live on the property with me. They have become like little brothers to me and I really don't know what I would do without them.
Usually I will have some big event scheduled and will prepare for that. I just finished writing a children's book for a particular part of the company called, 'The Adventures of Captain Napkin.' It was really fun writing it and it's always good to hang out with that branch of the company. They are awesome people who are on a mission to boost the creativity of the kids in Indonesia. Right down my alley. But apart from that there are always things popping up here and there. For example, there is a children's festival coming up which will host 25 schools and will emphasize building character and creativity. I am set to be a judge in a poetry reading competition and also a judge in a painting competition.
Other than the big events I go with different parts of the company to different places and make friends and help out how I can. I run errands and have meetings. I go to lunch whenever my friends have a break. I play soccer with the guys on Friday nights. We go to movies when we can. And then I wake up and do it again.
In other words, my time here, it's just life.
If I am being honest, then this post is a little difficult to write. I am three months in and the differences in the culture are smacking me hard in the face. I would love to have variety in food. To eat something other than rice and chicken. I want to understand jokes and I want to be able to speak without having to think how to translate a word. I want to be fluent in the language so I can stop being so surface level with everyone. That's something that I have noticed a lot more since James went home. I can't go deep with anyone. I was able to talk about things with James. With someone who understood what I was talking about and who could agree with certain views. Now, to no fault of anyone, I just seem to be here.
I can't really explain what it's like. Those who have spent an extended period of time in another culture will be able to understand, but it's really hard to explain to anyone else. There is just a point in time where you are more aware of all the differences and all the things that you miss from home. And I guess, this is that time for me.
I don't want to be all Debbie Downer with this post, so in order to avoid that, I will move on. I have spent a lot of time this week thinking of what I have learned here. For three years I have prepared for this trip. It has been all I have thought about. It was the only thing I knew for sure about my future. And now, I am more than halfway through with it.
I think it is really interesting the swing of thoughts James and I have had while being here. We first came and were blown away by the culture and the kindness. The foods were awesome. Every alley was a new discovery. Every tree looked new and the roads were a war zone that I never thought I would be able to conquer, let alone on a motorcycle. We were focused on the kindness of the people here. Their hearts to be the hands and feet of Jesus. At that time, if I were to go back to America, I would have shaken my head and said tsk tsk at every high tech piece of equipment or complaint about a wait being too long at a restaurant. I would have thought we were spoiled in America.
And then months pass. I wonder at how to go beyond just being the hands and feet of Jesus, to being the mouth of Him as well. I wonder at how to balance being kind and being truthful. I look at the food and wonder what waffle fries taste like? I wonder how chocolate chip cookies taste with a scoop of vanilla ice cream in the middle? I think that I miss home sometimes and wouldn't be able to tsk tsk anyone. I understand my culture a little better because I am not around it. As strange as that is. I look at the trees and the jungle and all I can think about is what I would do if a raptor came running out from there? I ride my motorcycle in the street that used to terrify me. I ride like I am James Bond doing something awesome. (Not really mom. I am totally safe and more like a Mr. Rogers and have never popped a wheelie...intentionally.) The surroundings that used to seem like another world have become normal. I used to be amazed by a tree and now I am only amazed by what I can imagine about the tree.
I wonder if this is not what happens with my walk with the Lord? That first night I was saved I can remember like it was yesterday. I know every detail of that night. I know how close I felt to God. I know callings that He placed on my life from that night. I remember thinking that nothing in the world could separate me from time with God. It was all so simple, my amazement came from a single thought: how God could save someone like me? Just a simple thought and I was dazed. And then time goes by and it all changes. And now it seems I am only amazed if something neat happens or if I feel something in my heart.
I feel a great deal of things all at once. My thoughts and things I thought I knew for sure are constantly being challenged here on this trip. I feel that this trip is teaching me so many things in ways that I hadn't thought of before. The trip is stripping me of everything I am comfortable with. It's breaking me down. The process is really hard. I'd be lying if I said I understood it all. I don't.
I wasn't aware of this process until this week really. I don't know if it's the change of atmosphere, the fact that James is gone, or the 3 month culture punch to the face. What I do know is that I am learning in a way I never have before.
I am learning that Jesus is the same person no matter where you go. He never changes. We change and we blame it on Him. We can't find time for Him and we say there is grace. We avoid difficult conversations with our friends who are lost and we say that someone else will come along and do that. That we just weren't made that way and that surely God understands that. We are filled with shame and defeat and we ask why God is hiding from us? Why this Christian walk is so difficult, why, why why.
I say this because that's what I do. Those are accusations I have had. I spent time not spending time with Jesus because I wasn't feeling it or because this other thing was way more important. I changed. Jesus didn't. He never has changed. He is still the same man who I met that night I was saved and was enamored by just the thought of Him.
I want to return to that. To just being enamored by His presence. To sit and think about Him and truly understand, or not even understand, but just think about how He could have saved me? How He has made me a part of a story that began long ago in a garden and will end one day with every knee bowing saying that Jesus is Lord. I hadn't realized how much I had demanded of Him before now. I hadn't realized how much I had expected to receive from Him until now. My flesh is a nasty thing that always seeks to be pleased in many ways. And sometimes I carry that over to my relationship with Jesus and say, 'what can you do for me?'
It's strange to learn by being confronted with so many things that are ugly. These thoughts have all risen this week and at times I have been really surprised by them. The Lord is bringing things to the surface that need to go. And they come to the surface and my flesh grabs and holds on like my life depended on them and there in that moment Jesus says, 'Don't worry. Let it go. You don't need it.'
That's why this post is so hard to write. Because it involves brutal honesty and realizations of, quite frankly, how much my flesh sucks. It involves me writing about how I don't have it all together. About how it's actually a little difficult here. But not in a 'I want to come home' kind of way. I mean it's difficult because I have nowhere else to run and no other distractions. It's just me and the Lord and it's time to begin the dependance process.
So I end this update hopeful. Sometimes you just have to go through times like these in order to truly understand Jesus. I need to see all the 'stuff' that I have built up to hide from Him. I need to see it so I can break it down. This is the process for me here and now. I am not ready to come home, so do not misunderstand this as poor Jared he is homesick. I am not ready to come home because there is much work to be done in my heart. There is still so much I want to learn of Jesus. And while currently it is hard, I know that it won't be this way for long. He is faithful and He loves His children. Even when I am selfish and ignorant and a child and...well fill in any adjective of the sort...He is still Jesus. He doesn't change.
I have pulled the ultimate Switch-a-Roo. You all are like, "what in the world? There aren't pictures at the beginning? Why is he being so serious all of a sudden...oh wait, here are the pictures." Enjoy. I have to be more diligent about actually take pictures. James was the photographer. I was the video guy. Also, James send me those pictures already...Here are some pictures for you all. A little reward for reading all that above.
Ole buddy has gone home and he is certainly missed here. I am asked daily if I have cried or if I miss James and I am daily told that it's just me here now. And I smile and nod and say, yes. One day, I am just going to burst into tears and really freak out whoever has just asked me if I cried for James yet. I will demand hugs and whatever else comforts people when the end of the world has just happened. Because it would seem, according to the attention this has gotten, that my friends here think James was what kept me alive.
Totally kidding. I would never do that. Ever. But it sure would be hilarious.
So how has it been, really? To be honest, it has just been different. It seems that my remaining time here is a whole other trip. It's a whole new ball game, or for you Aladdin fans, a whole new world.
My days are filled with writing and helping out whenever I can. Once everyone goes home from work I simply hang out with my friends who live on the property with me. They have become like little brothers to me and I really don't know what I would do without them.
Usually I will have some big event scheduled and will prepare for that. I just finished writing a children's book for a particular part of the company called, 'The Adventures of Captain Napkin.' It was really fun writing it and it's always good to hang out with that branch of the company. They are awesome people who are on a mission to boost the creativity of the kids in Indonesia. Right down my alley. But apart from that there are always things popping up here and there. For example, there is a children's festival coming up which will host 25 schools and will emphasize building character and creativity. I am set to be a judge in a poetry reading competition and also a judge in a painting competition.
Other than the big events I go with different parts of the company to different places and make friends and help out how I can. I run errands and have meetings. I go to lunch whenever my friends have a break. I play soccer with the guys on Friday nights. We go to movies when we can. And then I wake up and do it again.
In other words, my time here, it's just life.
If I am being honest, then this post is a little difficult to write. I am three months in and the differences in the culture are smacking me hard in the face. I would love to have variety in food. To eat something other than rice and chicken. I want to understand jokes and I want to be able to speak without having to think how to translate a word. I want to be fluent in the language so I can stop being so surface level with everyone. That's something that I have noticed a lot more since James went home. I can't go deep with anyone. I was able to talk about things with James. With someone who understood what I was talking about and who could agree with certain views. Now, to no fault of anyone, I just seem to be here.
I can't really explain what it's like. Those who have spent an extended period of time in another culture will be able to understand, but it's really hard to explain to anyone else. There is just a point in time where you are more aware of all the differences and all the things that you miss from home. And I guess, this is that time for me.
I don't want to be all Debbie Downer with this post, so in order to avoid that, I will move on. I have spent a lot of time this week thinking of what I have learned here. For three years I have prepared for this trip. It has been all I have thought about. It was the only thing I knew for sure about my future. And now, I am more than halfway through with it.
I think it is really interesting the swing of thoughts James and I have had while being here. We first came and were blown away by the culture and the kindness. The foods were awesome. Every alley was a new discovery. Every tree looked new and the roads were a war zone that I never thought I would be able to conquer, let alone on a motorcycle. We were focused on the kindness of the people here. Their hearts to be the hands and feet of Jesus. At that time, if I were to go back to America, I would have shaken my head and said tsk tsk at every high tech piece of equipment or complaint about a wait being too long at a restaurant. I would have thought we were spoiled in America.
And then months pass. I wonder at how to go beyond just being the hands and feet of Jesus, to being the mouth of Him as well. I wonder at how to balance being kind and being truthful. I look at the food and wonder what waffle fries taste like? I wonder how chocolate chip cookies taste with a scoop of vanilla ice cream in the middle? I think that I miss home sometimes and wouldn't be able to tsk tsk anyone. I understand my culture a little better because I am not around it. As strange as that is. I look at the trees and the jungle and all I can think about is what I would do if a raptor came running out from there? I ride my motorcycle in the street that used to terrify me. I ride like I am James Bond doing something awesome. (Not really mom. I am totally safe and more like a Mr. Rogers and have never popped a wheelie...intentionally.) The surroundings that used to seem like another world have become normal. I used to be amazed by a tree and now I am only amazed by what I can imagine about the tree.
I wonder if this is not what happens with my walk with the Lord? That first night I was saved I can remember like it was yesterday. I know every detail of that night. I know how close I felt to God. I know callings that He placed on my life from that night. I remember thinking that nothing in the world could separate me from time with God. It was all so simple, my amazement came from a single thought: how God could save someone like me? Just a simple thought and I was dazed. And then time goes by and it all changes. And now it seems I am only amazed if something neat happens or if I feel something in my heart.
I feel a great deal of things all at once. My thoughts and things I thought I knew for sure are constantly being challenged here on this trip. I feel that this trip is teaching me so many things in ways that I hadn't thought of before. The trip is stripping me of everything I am comfortable with. It's breaking me down. The process is really hard. I'd be lying if I said I understood it all. I don't.
I wasn't aware of this process until this week really. I don't know if it's the change of atmosphere, the fact that James is gone, or the 3 month culture punch to the face. What I do know is that I am learning in a way I never have before.
I am learning that Jesus is the same person no matter where you go. He never changes. We change and we blame it on Him. We can't find time for Him and we say there is grace. We avoid difficult conversations with our friends who are lost and we say that someone else will come along and do that. That we just weren't made that way and that surely God understands that. We are filled with shame and defeat and we ask why God is hiding from us? Why this Christian walk is so difficult, why, why why.
I say this because that's what I do. Those are accusations I have had. I spent time not spending time with Jesus because I wasn't feeling it or because this other thing was way more important. I changed. Jesus didn't. He never has changed. He is still the same man who I met that night I was saved and was enamored by just the thought of Him.
I want to return to that. To just being enamored by His presence. To sit and think about Him and truly understand, or not even understand, but just think about how He could have saved me? How He has made me a part of a story that began long ago in a garden and will end one day with every knee bowing saying that Jesus is Lord. I hadn't realized how much I had demanded of Him before now. I hadn't realized how much I had expected to receive from Him until now. My flesh is a nasty thing that always seeks to be pleased in many ways. And sometimes I carry that over to my relationship with Jesus and say, 'what can you do for me?'
It's strange to learn by being confronted with so many things that are ugly. These thoughts have all risen this week and at times I have been really surprised by them. The Lord is bringing things to the surface that need to go. And they come to the surface and my flesh grabs and holds on like my life depended on them and there in that moment Jesus says, 'Don't worry. Let it go. You don't need it.'
That's why this post is so hard to write. Because it involves brutal honesty and realizations of, quite frankly, how much my flesh sucks. It involves me writing about how I don't have it all together. About how it's actually a little difficult here. But not in a 'I want to come home' kind of way. I mean it's difficult because I have nowhere else to run and no other distractions. It's just me and the Lord and it's time to begin the dependance process.
So I end this update hopeful. Sometimes you just have to go through times like these in order to truly understand Jesus. I need to see all the 'stuff' that I have built up to hide from Him. I need to see it so I can break it down. This is the process for me here and now. I am not ready to come home, so do not misunderstand this as poor Jared he is homesick. I am not ready to come home because there is much work to be done in my heart. There is still so much I want to learn of Jesus. And while currently it is hard, I know that it won't be this way for long. He is faithful and He loves His children. Even when I am selfish and ignorant and a child and...well fill in any adjective of the sort...He is still Jesus. He doesn't change.
I have pulled the ultimate Switch-a-Roo. You all are like, "what in the world? There aren't pictures at the beginning? Why is he being so serious all of a sudden...oh wait, here are the pictures." Enjoy. I have to be more diligent about actually take pictures. James was the photographer. I was the video guy. Also, James send me those pictures already...Here are some pictures for you all. A little reward for reading all that above.
This is pastor Sonny. He is just a bundle of joy. We travel with him to different islands whenever we get to and it always rules. This was in Kalimantan. This is supposed to be an awkward picture. Don't worry.
This is me, Yanu, and Ferii going to the movies. If you are wondering, 'why are you riding on the back with someone who is not James?' It's cause I wanted to give James a whole week with the motorcycle all to himself. You're welcome.
Here we are at the movies. This was the first time Wisnu and Ferii had ever been. It was so awesome!
Usually James and I are asked/forced to take pictures in front of things. Like boats. Or water. Or anything really.
We went to the top of this water tower to see the sunrise and hang out.
This is the group of us that went to James' favorite beach before he went home.
And this is James going home.
So that's it for this week. Maybe a video next week. We will just have to see. Continue to pray. I miss you all and rely on your prayers.
Monday, April 22, 2013
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Picture blog.
Ok, so I got that last post off my chest. If you made it through the whole thing, go buy yourself a milk shake, on me. Well. On sojourn church. Talk to Ernie Wagoner. If you made it through the whole post Ernie Wagoner will buy you a milkshake. Email him at noknees@hardtostand.leg
Jokes.
I'm about to windmill kick y'all with pictures.
Jared and I have done a lot of things here since our last written post. A TON of traveling. Seriously, in the last 2 weeks we have traveled by:
Train
Bus
Boat
Plane
And by car, motorcycle, and our legs. I got to share my testimony at an Indonesian prison, pictured here with my translator and one of the inmates:
we went to an island called Timor and another one called Rote with a pastor and another man that works with the outreach portion of our company to prepare for a Johnson Ferry Baptist mission team that will be here in a couple months. The trip was very fruitful, as we met with many pastors and members in the community who will be lending a hand to help with the mission team when they arrive. It was cool to see the behind the scenes stuff that goes into a mission trip! oh. and it was beautiful, and we got to sleep like 100 yards from the beach and snorkel during our free time. we didnt have any electricity or running water, but we didnt even care. you can watch the video of our free time adventures here:
http://youtu.be/LjJT8NRodIE
And here are randoms from the trip.
We still teach English class.
We went north to Salatiga to visit my missionary friends for easter (first americans we've talked to since we came here). We hang out with our indonesian friends and go eat and and sit and talk a LOT, we are continuing to learn and grow and are seriously growing more in love with Jesus every day! It's crazy to think that when you ask him to reveal himself to you and you seek him, he actually responds! Hah, we have been loving it here so much. We just do life with these people who have become our friends.
On top of our home in jogja
My friends Pete and Joy Neal that graciously invited into their home for Easter weekend (and the next few pics)
Euchre. You beautiful card game, you.
Easter morning breakfast! American breakfast! Thank you Jesus!
Oh, and last night we roasted a kilo of the rarest coffee bean in the world, Kopi Luwak, using YouTube, a gas stove, and a wok.
I edited this so Jared's face would glow more. He couldn't have been more excited.
Guys. I am so tired. I just want to sleep. I hope enjoy this post, as scattered as it was. We do a lot here, and its really hard to recap like 3 weeks with one post. My bad. But we are still just living here and loving people, loving Jesus, and learning a ton.
Jared is preaching a sermon on the great commission this Sunday. I've read through his sermon, and I really believe that the Lord is going to use it to encourage these people to speak boldly the name of Jesus! Please pray for him as he continues to prepare, and pray that the Holy Spirit will be his mouth piece, and he will communicate exactly what the Lord wants him to say!
We love you all so much.
J^2
Jokes.
I'm about to windmill kick y'all with pictures.
Jared and I have done a lot of things here since our last written post. A TON of traveling. Seriously, in the last 2 weeks we have traveled by:
Train
Bus
Boat
Plane
And by car, motorcycle, and our legs. I got to share my testimony at an Indonesian prison, pictured here with my translator and one of the inmates:
we went to an island called Timor and another one called Rote with a pastor and another man that works with the outreach portion of our company to prepare for a Johnson Ferry Baptist mission team that will be here in a couple months. The trip was very fruitful, as we met with many pastors and members in the community who will be lending a hand to help with the mission team when they arrive. It was cool to see the behind the scenes stuff that goes into a mission trip! oh. and it was beautiful, and we got to sleep like 100 yards from the beach and snorkel during our free time. we didnt have any electricity or running water, but we didnt even care. you can watch the video of our free time adventures here:
http://youtu.be/LjJT8NRodIE
And here are randoms from the trip.
We still teach English class.
We went north to Salatiga to visit my missionary friends for easter (first americans we've talked to since we came here). We hang out with our indonesian friends and go eat and and sit and talk a LOT, we are continuing to learn and grow and are seriously growing more in love with Jesus every day! It's crazy to think that when you ask him to reveal himself to you and you seek him, he actually responds! Hah, we have been loving it here so much. We just do life with these people who have become our friends.
On top of our home in jogja
My friends Pete and Joy Neal that graciously invited into their home for Easter weekend (and the next few pics)
Euchre. You beautiful card game, you.
Easter morning breakfast! American breakfast! Thank you Jesus!
Oh, and last night we roasted a kilo of the rarest coffee bean in the world, Kopi Luwak, using YouTube, a gas stove, and a wok.
I edited this so Jared's face would glow more. He couldn't have been more excited.
Guys. I am so tired. I just want to sleep. I hope enjoy this post, as scattered as it was. We do a lot here, and its really hard to recap like 3 weeks with one post. My bad. But we are still just living here and loving people, loving Jesus, and learning a ton.
Jared is preaching a sermon on the great commission this Sunday. I've read through his sermon, and I really believe that the Lord is going to use it to encourage these people to speak boldly the name of Jesus! Please pray for him as he continues to prepare, and pray that the Holy Spirit will be his mouth piece, and he will communicate exactly what the Lord wants him to say!
We love you all so much.
J^2
This one is from the heart. Sorry there's no pictures.
I know it's been a minute since we updated. Sorry. I've been waiting for inspiration because i didnt want to just list off what we've been doing and end it. I like writing with some umph in my type. Unfortunately, the amazing spiritual inspiration didnt come in the way I was hoping, but it came. It's about to get mushy and personal up in here. So...here goes.
I (James) have learned a lot these past few (almost 3) months. I've learned culture and a little language, I've learned about new religions and I now know how to navigate a motorcycle through a traffic jam without ripping anyone's mirrors off like a daggum ninja. I'm learning about what missions looks like from a new perspective, and I'm learning more every day about Jesus, who this man is, about how he feels about me, about how he feels about the 200 million muslims we live around, and what it means when Jesus calls himself the Light of the World, especially in a place where so many are immersed in darkness.
I would like to tell you all that I have faced all of these new things with resounding success and flawnessness, with patience and grace....to be perfectly honest though, more than all of these things i just listed, i feel i have learned that I am incredibly and undeniably, a broken person. If you know me, maybe you agree, maybe you disagree. Doesnt matter. I can assure you though, I am, at my core, a very broken, and very selfish individual. I was somewhat aware of this before coming on this trip with Jared, but more in a "eeeeh, I guess I could maybe work on a couple character traits here and there that im lacking in a LITTLE bit, but im not all THAT bad..." kind of way. Wrong.
Let me tell you this real quick- if you were ever curious about what your weaknesses were, go live in a foreign country with one of your best friends where it's always hot, you don't understand anyone except that friend, they are your only way of communicating to the other people around you (since you dont speak the language and they do), you share a bed, a bathroom, eat every meal together, share a motorcycle, share money, rice apparently rains down from heaven so you eat it for forever, and in the midst of this, every decision you make and all the plans you have must be decided together, in agreement with each other. All the while you are trying to focus on loving the people around you, loving Jesus, and loving each other. give that a try. You will see your weaknesses and shortcomings and insecurities bubble to the surface real quick.
I like to think of myself as someone who is generally easy to get along with and live with. I like to think of myself as having a strong backbone, a strong will, a love for people, a drive to accomplish, loyalty to those i love, thoughtful, a desire to serve, and a kind heart...of course all positive and lovely things. I think we all like to think of ourselves in a positive light, which is normal, but a taaad biased. So when I think these things about myself, and I suddenly find myself annoyed or angry or frustrated or whatever emotion you want to insert, I am SO QUICK to think that it is everyone's fault except my own. Or it's the situation or environment's fault. because I, James Torell, would never be at fault for a disagreement or frustration. It's their fault. I will accept their apology when they offer it. Thank you very much.
As I said. I am, at my core, a very broken person, in dire need of Jesus.
So what's your point? Why are you sharing about your personal issues on the internet? Get a journal, man.
Easter was this past Sunday. There are so many things to focus on throughout the Easter story, and so many things surrounding the death and resurrection of Jesus to learn from. This year, as i have become ever so aware of my shortcomings, the Lord has highlighted the story of Peter and his transformation to me in a very real way (stick with me, im going to tie these together, just give me a minute).
So there Peter is standing in the crowd, watching Jesus from a distance. Peter, the loyal, outspoken disciple who would just as soon jump out of a boat and walk on water as he would cut someone's ear off before he had a clue what was taking place. Peter, the disciple that you just want to sometimes say,"dude...just shut up and listen for once. stop saying stupid things." He was always the first one to jump at the chance to show his loyalty to Jesus, and he did so with complete confidence in his ability to stand firm.
He had just watched his friend, Judas, give Jesus over to be killed. My guess, based on his extremely high opinion of his own zeal and loyalty, he was probably feeling pretty good about himself that he hadnt abandoned Jesus after all the others had scattered. He had left everything behind, and for the last three years of his life he was one of Jesus' most fierce and loyal followers. He may have said dumb things a lot, but he was loyal. He would have died before he let them take Jesus away, right?
And here it comes. After all the promises that he would follow Jesus to the end...when it actually counted... denial one.....denial two.....denial three.....then he hears it. The chill that must have run up Peter's spine as he just stood there, naked in his own shame and disgust of himself. He loved Jesus so much, but he just denied him three times in a row.
In Luke, he says that there, probably just for a moment, was Jesus. His beloved Jesus, beaten, ragged, blood running down his face, body ripped apart- as Peter denied him for the 3rd time and the rooster crowed, he turned and locked eyes with Peter. I'm sure Peter couldn't help himself when he heard the rooster, he looked up at Jesus and their eyes met. Can you imagine what that must have felt like? To look right into the eyes of the one you just denied? Close your eyes and think about that for a second. What was going through Peter's mind? After all the promises, all the talk, all the confidence that he would never be the one to leave Jesus out to dry. That look must have shattered Peter. The shame, the betrayal, the utter disgust with himself that must have come with that. I can't even think of a word that can explain what that must have felt like...And what was Jesus saying to Peter in that brief exchange?
I can tell you this- I can tell you that Peter found no condemnation in his eyes, and he found no disappointment...I can tell you that what Peter found in that look was infinite love and mercy. Im sure he was searching in Jesus' eyes for what he what he thought he deserved, but instead he found compassionate forgiveness. Jesus wasnt surprised or taken off guard. He even told Peter it would happen.
Jesus was already on his way to the cross where he was going to die for the very thing that Peter had just done. Because for the joy set before him, he was about to endure the cross, so that men could be free, so we could be adopted. Because he knew what Peter was about to become, the the ROCK on which he was going to build his church. This weak, shamed-filled man, weeping in his disgust and embarrassment, was about to be raised up to be the leader of the Church. This broken man, barely a month later, filled with the Holy Spirit and with the knowledge that Jesus was alive and had conquered death, would stand before the very people who had sent Jesus to his death and proclaim with boldness and authority the name of his King, calling them to repentance to turn and follow the man they had just killed.
So I just got hit with all of this today as i started reading Acts. I was just like...how in the WORLD is this the same person?? The exact same Peter who couldn't even tell a little girl he knew Jesus, was winning 3000 souls to follow Christ in one day in the city that Jesus was just killed in, healing the lame, stood fearless in the face of those who hated Jesus, and began to build the Church.
Actually no, not the same Peter.
This Peter had seen Jesus alive. The same guy that he just buried, but Jesus was alive! He saw the empty tomb, he saw that the grave couldn't hold Jesus, and then he was filled with the Holy Spirit! Like how are you not gonna follow someone that just defeated death?? With that kind of power and knowledge and authority, with the heart of a servant and slave to Jesus, what other option did he have than to tell every single person he possibly could about him? There was nothing to be afraid of, nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to hold him back, and he was ready to give his life for it! Like THIS IS WHAT IM TALKIN ABOUT PEOPLE. Peter GOT IT and he didnt give a RIP about his own life after he encountered the risen Christ, the King! The only thing the disciples cared about was following in Jesus' footsteps, and every single one of them paid for it with their lives.
But I mean come on. Peter?? Simon Peter? That guy led the charge??
Jesus uses the weak. He uses the broken. He uses you. And he uses me. You can look right into his eyes, and you will find a man that doesn't condemn you, but who gave his life for you, that you can be free and have life to the fullest measure.
So. Yea. I guess that's what I wanted to say. Guys, Jesus is alive, and he is worth giving your life for. There's so many people that don't know.
I (James) have learned a lot these past few (almost 3) months. I've learned culture and a little language, I've learned about new religions and I now know how to navigate a motorcycle through a traffic jam without ripping anyone's mirrors off like a daggum ninja. I'm learning about what missions looks like from a new perspective, and I'm learning more every day about Jesus, who this man is, about how he feels about me, about how he feels about the 200 million muslims we live around, and what it means when Jesus calls himself the Light of the World, especially in a place where so many are immersed in darkness.
I would like to tell you all that I have faced all of these new things with resounding success and flawnessness, with patience and grace....to be perfectly honest though, more than all of these things i just listed, i feel i have learned that I am incredibly and undeniably, a broken person. If you know me, maybe you agree, maybe you disagree. Doesnt matter. I can assure you though, I am, at my core, a very broken, and very selfish individual. I was somewhat aware of this before coming on this trip with Jared, but more in a "eeeeh, I guess I could maybe work on a couple character traits here and there that im lacking in a LITTLE bit, but im not all THAT bad..." kind of way. Wrong.
Let me tell you this real quick- if you were ever curious about what your weaknesses were, go live in a foreign country with one of your best friends where it's always hot, you don't understand anyone except that friend, they are your only way of communicating to the other people around you (since you dont speak the language and they do), you share a bed, a bathroom, eat every meal together, share a motorcycle, share money, rice apparently rains down from heaven so you eat it for forever, and in the midst of this, every decision you make and all the plans you have must be decided together, in agreement with each other. All the while you are trying to focus on loving the people around you, loving Jesus, and loving each other. give that a try. You will see your weaknesses and shortcomings and insecurities bubble to the surface real quick.
I like to think of myself as someone who is generally easy to get along with and live with. I like to think of myself as having a strong backbone, a strong will, a love for people, a drive to accomplish, loyalty to those i love, thoughtful, a desire to serve, and a kind heart...of course all positive and lovely things. I think we all like to think of ourselves in a positive light, which is normal, but a taaad biased. So when I think these things about myself, and I suddenly find myself annoyed or angry or frustrated or whatever emotion you want to insert, I am SO QUICK to think that it is everyone's fault except my own. Or it's the situation or environment's fault. because I, James Torell, would never be at fault for a disagreement or frustration. It's their fault. I will accept their apology when they offer it. Thank you very much.
As I said. I am, at my core, a very broken person, in dire need of Jesus.
So what's your point? Why are you sharing about your personal issues on the internet? Get a journal, man.
Easter was this past Sunday. There are so many things to focus on throughout the Easter story, and so many things surrounding the death and resurrection of Jesus to learn from. This year, as i have become ever so aware of my shortcomings, the Lord has highlighted the story of Peter and his transformation to me in a very real way (stick with me, im going to tie these together, just give me a minute).
So there Peter is standing in the crowd, watching Jesus from a distance. Peter, the loyal, outspoken disciple who would just as soon jump out of a boat and walk on water as he would cut someone's ear off before he had a clue what was taking place. Peter, the disciple that you just want to sometimes say,"dude...just shut up and listen for once. stop saying stupid things." He was always the first one to jump at the chance to show his loyalty to Jesus, and he did so with complete confidence in his ability to stand firm.
He had just watched his friend, Judas, give Jesus over to be killed. My guess, based on his extremely high opinion of his own zeal and loyalty, he was probably feeling pretty good about himself that he hadnt abandoned Jesus after all the others had scattered. He had left everything behind, and for the last three years of his life he was one of Jesus' most fierce and loyal followers. He may have said dumb things a lot, but he was loyal. He would have died before he let them take Jesus away, right?
And here it comes. After all the promises that he would follow Jesus to the end...when it actually counted... denial one.....denial two.....denial three.....then he hears it. The chill that must have run up Peter's spine as he just stood there, naked in his own shame and disgust of himself. He loved Jesus so much, but he just denied him three times in a row.
In Luke, he says that there, probably just for a moment, was Jesus. His beloved Jesus, beaten, ragged, blood running down his face, body ripped apart- as Peter denied him for the 3rd time and the rooster crowed, he turned and locked eyes with Peter. I'm sure Peter couldn't help himself when he heard the rooster, he looked up at Jesus and their eyes met. Can you imagine what that must have felt like? To look right into the eyes of the one you just denied? Close your eyes and think about that for a second. What was going through Peter's mind? After all the promises, all the talk, all the confidence that he would never be the one to leave Jesus out to dry. That look must have shattered Peter. The shame, the betrayal, the utter disgust with himself that must have come with that. I can't even think of a word that can explain what that must have felt like...And what was Jesus saying to Peter in that brief exchange?
I can tell you this- I can tell you that Peter found no condemnation in his eyes, and he found no disappointment...I can tell you that what Peter found in that look was infinite love and mercy. Im sure he was searching in Jesus' eyes for what he what he thought he deserved, but instead he found compassionate forgiveness. Jesus wasnt surprised or taken off guard. He even told Peter it would happen.
Jesus was already on his way to the cross where he was going to die for the very thing that Peter had just done. Because for the joy set before him, he was about to endure the cross, so that men could be free, so we could be adopted. Because he knew what Peter was about to become, the the ROCK on which he was going to build his church. This weak, shamed-filled man, weeping in his disgust and embarrassment, was about to be raised up to be the leader of the Church. This broken man, barely a month later, filled with the Holy Spirit and with the knowledge that Jesus was alive and had conquered death, would stand before the very people who had sent Jesus to his death and proclaim with boldness and authority the name of his King, calling them to repentance to turn and follow the man they had just killed.
So I just got hit with all of this today as i started reading Acts. I was just like...how in the WORLD is this the same person?? The exact same Peter who couldn't even tell a little girl he knew Jesus, was winning 3000 souls to follow Christ in one day in the city that Jesus was just killed in, healing the lame, stood fearless in the face of those who hated Jesus, and began to build the Church.
Actually no, not the same Peter.
This Peter had seen Jesus alive. The same guy that he just buried, but Jesus was alive! He saw the empty tomb, he saw that the grave couldn't hold Jesus, and then he was filled with the Holy Spirit! Like how are you not gonna follow someone that just defeated death?? With that kind of power and knowledge and authority, with the heart of a servant and slave to Jesus, what other option did he have than to tell every single person he possibly could about him? There was nothing to be afraid of, nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to hold him back, and he was ready to give his life for it! Like THIS IS WHAT IM TALKIN ABOUT PEOPLE. Peter GOT IT and he didnt give a RIP about his own life after he encountered the risen Christ, the King! The only thing the disciples cared about was following in Jesus' footsteps, and every single one of them paid for it with their lives.
But I mean come on. Peter?? Simon Peter? That guy led the charge??
Jesus uses the weak. He uses the broken. He uses you. And he uses me. You can look right into his eyes, and you will find a man that doesn't condemn you, but who gave his life for you, that you can be free and have life to the fullest measure.
So. Yea. I guess that's what I wanted to say. Guys, Jesus is alive, and he is worth giving your life for. There's so many people that don't know.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Monday, March 18, 2013
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
A New Eyeball Exercise: Reading This.
If you are wanting to exercise your eyeballs today then you have come to the right place. Maybe you are like, "Gross Jared. I don't want to think about sweaty eyes or muscles in my eyes or anything of the sort." If you weren't thinking about having muscles on your eyes then you are now. I'm not going to apologize for it.
I know it must be annoying when we say Mondate Upday and really it's Wednesday. Well, life happens. I will continue to call it Mondate Upday no matter what day it is, so you can at least be confident in that being consistent when all else fails.
It has been quite the past two weeks for us. For those of you who do not know, James and I had an incredible opportunity to speak with a class of graduate level Muslims who are studying "Muslim and Christian Conflict Resolutions." There were around twenty two men and women apart from James and I and if I am not mistaken this is a group that meets every once in a while to talk about issues in life. James and I walked into the room and began to shake hands with many of the students and then sat down in a semi-circled array of chairs. The topic of the day was, "American Views on Islam." We only had an hour so we began right away. They took turns asking James and I questions that ranged anywhere from, "Why are Americans so afraid of Muslims, to Are there restrictions on Muslim women in America that prevent them from practicing Islam, and Why do people link whole countries with a religion?"
The questions were good and I think, through the help of the Lord, James and I were able to answer them well. We were told beforehand not to sugarcoat anything. To be real and honest. And so we were. We gave them real answers and even when the question seemed too uncomfortable or too difficult to answer politely, we answered it. We did it in a loving way that held no prejudice or bitterness. Their questions and our answers were full of curiosity and a genuine desire to learn. Not one person spoke from a place of "my religion is better than yours." I believe they were excited to speak with us and curious to learn. We have been invited to speak with several more classes as well as an Islamic Seminary.
It has been cool to watch these doors fly open. This is nothing that James and I are doing. We are not learned scholars of Islamic studies. We have little real life experience with Muslims. And yet here we are, speaking to a class of graduate students about Jesus. About culture in America. About stereo types. And instead of turning us away and hating us, they open their doors to us. They ask us to speak more with them. The Lord is using us, weak and hard-headed Jared and James, to be the hands and feet of Jesus. Do we feel adequate? No way. Are we prepared when we walk into these meetings to speak? Nope. Is the Lord bigger than all that? Yeah, for sure. It is far more important to be obedient than to be a learned scholar who never utters a word. That's the case with us. We are weak and unlearned in many aspects of culture and Islamic studies here and to be honest we just go day to day with most of this. And yet when the time comes the Lord shows up. James and I shut up and let Him speak through us. I am encouraged and excited to see where these relationships and conversations go. At the very least it has been good for my heart (and James' too I am sure) to understand the culture and Muslims here. Here is a picture of some of the students...
James and I are currently sitting at our favorite coffee shop which overlooks the busy streets full of passing bikes, honking cars, and occasionally a man peddling a few Dutch people around on a wagon. This is a place we come to every two weeks or so to study/write/read/etc. It's also a place to get "Knock Your Socks Off Coffee" and a gourmet meal for around $5. Just thought you would want to know where we were coming from...
I know it must be annoying when we say Mondate Upday and really it's Wednesday. Well, life happens. I will continue to call it Mondate Upday no matter what day it is, so you can at least be confident in that being consistent when all else fails.
It has been quite the past two weeks for us. For those of you who do not know, James and I had an incredible opportunity to speak with a class of graduate level Muslims who are studying "Muslim and Christian Conflict Resolutions." There were around twenty two men and women apart from James and I and if I am not mistaken this is a group that meets every once in a while to talk about issues in life. James and I walked into the room and began to shake hands with many of the students and then sat down in a semi-circled array of chairs. The topic of the day was, "American Views on Islam." We only had an hour so we began right away. They took turns asking James and I questions that ranged anywhere from, "Why are Americans so afraid of Muslims, to Are there restrictions on Muslim women in America that prevent them from practicing Islam, and Why do people link whole countries with a religion?"
The questions were good and I think, through the help of the Lord, James and I were able to answer them well. We were told beforehand not to sugarcoat anything. To be real and honest. And so we were. We gave them real answers and even when the question seemed too uncomfortable or too difficult to answer politely, we answered it. We did it in a loving way that held no prejudice or bitterness. Their questions and our answers were full of curiosity and a genuine desire to learn. Not one person spoke from a place of "my religion is better than yours." I believe they were excited to speak with us and curious to learn. We have been invited to speak with several more classes as well as an Islamic Seminary.
It has been cool to watch these doors fly open. This is nothing that James and I are doing. We are not learned scholars of Islamic studies. We have little real life experience with Muslims. And yet here we are, speaking to a class of graduate students about Jesus. About culture in America. About stereo types. And instead of turning us away and hating us, they open their doors to us. They ask us to speak more with them. The Lord is using us, weak and hard-headed Jared and James, to be the hands and feet of Jesus. Do we feel adequate? No way. Are we prepared when we walk into these meetings to speak? Nope. Is the Lord bigger than all that? Yeah, for sure. It is far more important to be obedient than to be a learned scholar who never utters a word. That's the case with us. We are weak and unlearned in many aspects of culture and Islamic studies here and to be honest we just go day to day with most of this. And yet when the time comes the Lord shows up. James and I shut up and let Him speak through us. I am encouraged and excited to see where these relationships and conversations go. At the very least it has been good for my heart (and James' too I am sure) to understand the culture and Muslims here. Here is a picture of some of the students...
James and I are currently sitting at our favorite coffee shop which overlooks the busy streets full of passing bikes, honking cars, and occasionally a man peddling a few Dutch people around on a wagon. This is a place we come to every two weeks or so to study/write/read/etc. It's also a place to get "Knock Your Socks Off Coffee" and a gourmet meal for around $5. Just thought you would want to know where we were coming from...
We just got back from a company trip to Bali yesterday. At the mention of Bali I am sure many of you just got really jealous and mad that James and I were at some beautiful beach while you were stuck inside to escape the cold weather. Well, let's not be too hasty. Bali indeed is beautiful. I would say the beaches were nice and the culture was a cool experience because Bali is predominantly Hindu. We were in Bali for 4 day. And when I say we were "in" Bali for 4 days what I really mean is that we were on a bus for 48hrs and looking at temples or lakes or whatever touristy mumbo jumbo you could think of for the other 48hrs. I can't even begin to explain the misery of being on a bus for 24hrs straight, but I will try. Imagine sitting in a fairly uncomfortable seat that barely leans back and then noticing that not even a centimeter separates you from the person next to you. Then TRY and understand why Indonesians are not fully okay with using the A/C. It makes sense right? We are on a crowded bus in a country that usually stays in the 90s sitting extremely close to someone else who is sharing with you their own body heat without you even having to ask. Then throw in some music in a language you can't understand that came from the worst decade of music that country has known and then throw in the loud cries of children who are wondering why in the world their parents would make them go through such a painful experience.
Okay, that was a bit much and I will admit I got carried away. But at least you have an idea of what the ride was like. On Sunday James and I asked if we could just skip out on the "touristy" bit of the trip and go to a beach, to which they graciously allowed. So Sunday was spent just relaxing on resort lawn chairs at the beach and swimming with giant waves that threw us around like we were rag dolls. All in all the trip was tiring. It made us both miss our friends at the place we live. They did not go and I am sad they didn't. It's crazy how much our place feels like home now and how much the people feel like family. Here are some pics from Bali...
One of the three beaches we went to hang out at.
I am not exactly sure about this island, but to my understanding it is a place where Hindus go to pray.
Some sleep on the bus and some takes pictures of people who sleep on the bus.
Just another beach.
Eating one of our favorite fruits here, Snake Fruit.
Here is James and I looking extremely touristy at a play or show or dance...I don't know what you would call it but we were there with cutoffs and we didn't even care.
Here we are again Rising Up. Go Falcons. Also, this isn't a falcon, it's a Garuda. But I felt like this was a good time to plug the Atlanta Falcons.
So now let's get real. Yeah that's what we have been "doing" now what is going on on the inside? You wanna know about all the mushy gushy lovely feeling stuff that people talk about right? Well, I am not going to talk about mushy gushy stuff cause I am not sure what that is, but here is what I am feeling at the moment...
It seems like I have lived my life in a constant state of wanting more. I work to obtain something only to realize that I actually wanted something else all along. I run and run to find that the grass is always greener somewhere else. I fill my head with thoughts like, "man if I can just get to another country I'll be more willing to pray. If I can just have this thing or that then life would be easier. My walk with the Lord would be much better as a missionary."
We have eternity written on our hearts and we waste our time with beautiful vacations, alcohol, sex, sports, and work promotions that leave us hungry and wanting for more. We have a desire for the 'next thing' always whispering in our ear telling us it is good and desirable. Always waiting. Never sleeping. Prepared for attack at any moment. It is a gaping hole that begs for goods from this world that is larger than you could imagine. John Piper says,
"We drink at broken cisterns and we eat bread which does not satisfy."
We will not escape this longing for more. We are humans and we were wired with eternity on our hearts. We feel a longing for something else. We grow restless. If we could only realize that this longing is Jesus Himself saying, "Here I am, come to me!"
I think finally I am understanding that there is nowhere I can run in this world to escape the constant hunger for temporary pleasure. I am slowly coming to a halt in my seemingly tireless charade of masking my hearts true desire, Jesus. C.S. Lewis says,
"If I find myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, then the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."
I want to live like I was made for another world, because I was. I am weary of turning and running to short comings that beat me to the ground and tire me out in my race. I burden myself with temporary pleasures and ultimately throw away the time when I first heard Jesus say that His burden is light.
I am writing this because I want to be real with you all. I want you to know things don't change just because you are on the 'mission field'. The days are filled with things that take up my schedule and rob my time with the Lord. It doesn't matter where I am or what I am doing, I HAVE to fight for time with the Lord. I have to make war against sin and idles, be attentive of things that slowly steal precious minutes of the day, and be proactive in my relationship with Jesus. We, as followers of Jesus, can't expect to get anywhere by not moving our feet. This is a race and a war, we have to run and fight.
Pray for James and I. Our goal before we left America was: To be more in love with Jesus than when we left. That is still our desire throughout all this. We are thankful for you all and love you dearly.
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